THE VAULT
updated 08FEB05
6 Days, 7 Nights: Do you believe in fate enough to be willing to totally give up a
comfortable, happy, and good thing for someone who was thrown in your path? More
importantly, do have enough faith and trust in the Goddess of FATE to give up
everything you know and your entire way of life, for something new? These are
questions this movie skirts, as a strong (yet bitchy) Anne Heche cavorts across the screen in clothing from Banana Republic with a swarthy pilot (Harrison Ford). Why is
she even wearing a shirt in this movie, God knows she obviously didn't pack a
bra! I bet your Grandma is proud, Anne. This movie seemed to lack the chemistry
and the passion that would have made it "great." Don't worry, folks,
David Schwimmer gets his opportunity at altering
his course, as well. This movie is worth renting, just to see the meat that
Ellen Degeneres sleeps with every night. I did
enjoy it, but it lacked a certain...oomph....(shrug)
(two and a half stars)
The 13th Floor: Imagine a virtual world where everything sees and
smells and tastes like it is real. Imagine assuming another identity in
this world. Deep stuff (pardon my yawning). Now
what if the original reality was actually a virtual creation from some other
higher reality, such that the things that you and I know to be true and real
are actually creations by someone or something else. This movie
tries to be sci-fi and existentialist, but gets confusing by attempting to
throw in a love story, happening alongside a murder...whatever. The
concept for this movie was taken from a book - and the director probably should
have read the whole damned book before shooting. Although entertaining,
this movie has so many holes in it, I thought I
was watching a porno! Poorly written/derived, poorly shot, poorly cast, poorly acted - now the producers are poor, too.
It would have helped if the 13th floor concept had been at least touched
upon. Should have been called, "Not in Touch With
the American Viewing Audience."
(0 Stars)
The 13th Warrior: Brace yourselves...if you are into Goth, wearing
dark makeup, and careless swordplay, I think I might have one for you
here. Believe it or not, this quirky little action/adventureis based on a book. Although I
haven't read it, I am willing to bet the book is MUCH better than this...ummm...movie. It is unfortunate that this served as
Antonio Banderas' welcome-back party to an
action role. The flow is pretty good, though spotty; the acting is
relatively convincing; yet the story somehow got lost in the transition from a
book into a movie. There were hints of potential love scenes, but only
traces. This movie is Conan The Destroyer,
meets The Dirty Dozen, meets Cats (we're not REALLY bears, REALLY -
duh!). Out of fairness to you, I am not going to give you a synposis of the plot, since you really shouldn't see it. In
addition, since there really wasn't a story, I can't really give it any stars.
(0 Stars)
60 Seconds: The
definitive career-turning movie for Tom Cruise was Top Gun. Girlies dug
it, and as a result it did VERY well in the box offices, second-run theatres,
and on video as well.
(1 star for all the beautiful vehicles)
200 Cigarettes: 200 cigarettes STILL don't smell nearly as bad as this piece of
CRAP! A product from the minds of MTV that brought you
such winners as Beavis and Butthead Do America, and essentially
every PaulShore movie. The setting
is New Year's Eve in
(NEGATIVE 3 stars)
Adaptation: Charlie Kaufman really flexes in this one, as he toys with his
audience. This is the most in-your-face evidence of what a powerfully creative
writer Kaufman is. This is the guy that wrote Being John Malcovich, and had you reeling for two hours trying to
figure it all out, or just simply enjoy the ride. He goes to the next step
here, by not only incorporating Being John Malcovich
in this one, but telling us play-by-play EXACTLY what he's doing while he's
doing it. This is truly brilliant writing. Charlie Kaufman [Nicolas
Cage] is a legendary screenwriter who was selected to adapt a screenplay based
on a book about Orchids. What on Earth would you write, if you were challenged
with this task? Orchids? We get to see
Charlie, overflowing with talent, flounder for direction in this impossible
screenplay, while his twin brother Donald [also played by Nicolas Cage] attends
a screenwriter's seminar, writes a very mundane screenplay that is adored by
Charlie's agent, and is subsequently signed to a 7-figure contract. While it's
not necessary to see Being John Malcovich first, seeing it after seeing Adaptation will
seem anticlimactic.
(4 big fat stars for showing us the ghost)
Affliction:
Here we have a movie based on a novel. Hard to go wrong
in basing a movie on a novel (Androoze Rule #18C).
This is certainly no exception. Nick Nolte plays a small-town
sheriff/handyman/snowplow driver afraid to Hell he is going to end up just like
his father. This in a sense is every man's fear, because we are built to
focus on things that Dad did wrong. Do me a favor, folks, remember all
the good times with your Pa, then go call him and tell him you love him.
Close the Hallmark. Now, where was I...oh yeah, this one was a very
well-acted, definitely well-written little piece. There are two problems
with it that could have made it unstoppable: first, in developing onscreen
familial turmoil, the lighting needed to be much darker creating a more
sinister feel (slow deep music would have helped, too); secondly, the ending
was poorly delivered. It may take you a few seconds for things to sink
in, and it shouldn't have. Still a very powerful little
piece.
(2 and a half stars -
WARNING: this movie has the potential to depress you)
Alien Versus
Predator (AVP)
- The good news about this concept for the creators is that Freddy versus Jason
went first off the high dive to give the producers of AVP some sort of idea of
what to expect from the box office...I still don't think they were adequately
prepared. Box office sales and critics don't reflect the value in this flick.
This is another one that I would lump into the
"know-what-to-expect-going-to-your-seat" genre - which is just raw
concept. No substance, just entertainment. If you're going in looking for plot
holes or flaws in character consistency, they're here. If you're looking for
serious slaughterhouse type of excitement with nothing more than darkness and
crazy killings, then you're in luck. Here's a quick walkthrough of the plot: an
independent expedition team is handpicked to explore and plant a flag in a
pyramid submerged deep (real damned deep) within the ice of
(1
star for the smaller alien jaws dripping with ooze that pop out and kiss you
before you are devoured - I LOVE THAT!)
Almost Heroes: I am a huge fan of Chris Farley. I am also a fan of Matthew Perry.
Neither had a chance to save this one, however, given the setting and the
music.
(no stars)
Amelie - I
think the reason that I enjoy foreign movies so much is that even though they
may completely suck as a movie, they express an idea or emotion that is 100%
pure. There isn't some overpowering globally-present sponsor behind their
production, the story line isn't based on another movie JUST like it (pick a
vampire movie, any vampire movie, and e-mail me with the original thought), and
there is typically no action figure associated with a French movie. With Amelie, once you're able to get over the freakish cover
shot (which is a huge injustice to Audrey Tautea),
this is perhaps the greatest surprise I have had from a rental in quite some
time. Completely creative along every step along the way, superb pace,
flawless cinematography making it appear cartoonish
in parts, this is a perfect movie. When Allie McBeal
first hit the tube, what made it so appealing were all of the "thought
bubbles" made in stream of conscience that the audience could easily
relate to. After the first episode, I realized I didn't have enough
estrogen to enjoy it for an entire season, however. Amelie
perfects these performing thought bubbles and improves upon everything else
that you've witnessed...lots of great cinematic tricks to amaze even the
slack-jawed yocal in a coma. I realize
that I haven't relayed anything about the storyline - cause
I'm rewarding this little treasure. Warning: it's in French so if you
hate reading when you go to the movies, rent Collateral Damage instead.
(4 stars for colors I haven't seen since The Jetsons!)
American Beauty:Kevin Spacey and
Annette Bening play the fundamental American
parents in this look into the life of Leave it to Beaver revisited. If
you could compile Leave it to Beaver, Make Room for
Daddy, Ozzy & Harriet, and The Dick Van Dyke
Show, into one updated 2-hour movie truly embracing the spirit of the American
facade, I mean, family, this would be the end result. Annette Bening does a superb job with this character (Carolyn
Burnham): she is the ego-driven, avaricious, career-oriented woman of the 21st
century (get it, she's a realtor. Man, I have to hold your hand sometimes!) wearing the pants in her family. Kevin Spacey, in his
own words says, "I rule!" That he does with this bit of
acting. Lester Burnham (Spacey) is a white-collared grunting yes
man. His job blows, and as a result, so does his life outside of the
office as well. What family would be an American family without
offspring? They have a little girl...innocent young thing. While
she IS a cheerleader, and may be socially (among her peers) proper, there are
definite elements of darkness that give her character. This movie picks
up where Pleasantville didn't hammer down hard enough. It is a well-done
piece, with every trait of the classics. The only thing, the most
important thing, is the finish. The finish was weak and predictable,
where Rosebud SHOULD come to mind, an old Joy Division video does come to mind.
They blew it!
(3 stars - or for those that evidently REALLY need
closure, 4 stars)
Anchorman:
Ron
Burgundy [Will Ferrell] hypnotizes
(3
strong stars for the bilingual sidekick, Baxter, making his first appearance)
(1 star for Joan Cusack
as the scary lady)
Armageddon:
Who do you call when there is a meteor the size of
(three stars)
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me: Has anyone seen my Mojo? In
this VERY media-hyped movie, Austin Powers is looking
to stop Dr. Evil from destroying
(3 stars)
The Banger SistersSuzette [Goldie Hawn] and Lavinia [Susan
Sarandon] were two of the most famous groupies in the budding rock world of the
70's. They banged so many famous musicians, roadies, & stagehands, that
Frank Zappa dubbed them the Banger Sisters. That's nice. Suzette loses her job
as a bartender in the Whisky-A-Go-Go (all hail Jim Morrison) and looks up her
old friend, Lavinia, to borrow some money. The
two went down their separate paths years ago, and changed considerably, each
taking on a number of new responsibilities. Spending time with Suzette
makes Lavinia realize what a prison she is
living in now (the life of suburbia), and how free she used to be. That's all
fine and well, but they didn't roll the credits at that time - they just had to
continue! Lavinia decides that it is time for
her to revisit her roots with Suzette, not on the sex aspect of her previous
life, but on the appearance portion (is that a Kajagoogoo
hairdo?). This was a very poor move, and while Goldie can pull this character's
image off perfectly, Susan Sarandon couldn't. It's not a failure on her part:
Susan is a beautiful and charming woman, but more in the form of a Martha
Stewart (yeah, I said it, so what). It's a different type of woman they were
seeking for this role. Anyway, while the lesson is good here, the movie is not.
This was entertaining, though really tough to swallow most of the time, bad
flow, animated characters, and for the love of God get poor Mrs. Sarandon out
of those leather pants!! This is geared towards housewives shopping together at
the mall, who need a break for about 90 minutes, so they can reminisce.
(1 star for Goldie's surgeon)
The Bachelor:Chris O'Donnell
plays Jimmie Shannon, a wealthy, single, young, heterosexual male living
in
(2 stars )
Being John Malcovich: I've seen some pretty zany movies in my day, but this one is genuinely
fun. At times it seems way off, but rather than
quickly address a topic and move on, the story builds on that topic with
another one. Bear with me as I try and give a brief synopsis: a puppeteer
and his wife lead a less-than-dull life in NYC. After words of
encouragement, John Schwartz (John Cusack) gets
a job as a file clerk on the 7-1/2th floor of a very
historic building downtown. Secretly, he learns of a door on this floor
(I'm beginning to sound like Dr. Seuss) which leads to a portal to the
consciousness of John Malcovich. This
leads to a series of existential impossibilities, but have fun with it.
There were lots of loose ends and holes that didn't allow me to give it all
four stars. This is a very enjoyable movie. By the way, if you have
no clue who John Malcovich is, do your research,
or stick with what you know: the latest Van Damme
movie.
(3 and a half stars)
Big Daddy: Here
we visit the mind of Adam Sandler yet
again. In this one, he is a total slacker whose girlfriend gives him the
ultimatum of more responsibility, or she is gone - hinting around at
marriage. As chance would have it, the State of
(2 and a half stars)
Black Dog:
This is a movie with Patrick Swayze about a man
who spent time in prison for involuntary vehicular manslaughter with his
18-wheeler. During the movie, the core plot is to try and get some
illegal shipment from point A to point B in a huge rig. The problem is Patrick
has no license and gets cornered into driving the shipment for $10,000.00 They try and instill a sense of awareness to the
general public that being a big rig driver is THE job to have. It doesn't
hurt that his wife is totally hot and he has a wonderful child. I knew I
was in for a laugh when Patrick gets in this rig, and puts on his driver's
gloves, as some sort of climactic expression of exactly HOW cool he really
is! This movie had the subliminal message "suck" throughout.
This is White Trash defined. By the way, the Black Dog idea,
is some hallucination that truckers evidently get when "they've been on
the road too long!" The only semi-saving grace is Randy Travis, who
apparently CAN act.
(NEGATIVE 1 star)
Big Fish - Every man
strives to know his father - really know him. Whether it is to judge him and
determine his character, or simply to get closer to him, perhaps to feel more a
part of him. Young Will Bloom [Billy Crudup] has
heard every one of his father's tall tales a thousand times over since he was a
little kid, and since that's all he's ever heard, that's all he knows of his
father. Will isn't willing to accept these myths as truths, and attempts to get
to rebond and know who his father is, as his father
lies on his deathbed in his final moments. No one can present a story as
outrageous as Tim Burton, and this movie is par for the course. Awesome work
that will keep you guessing (there is a little bit of handholding at times, but
that's alright) throughout the entire movie. Albert Finney does an awesome job
as Ed Bloom (the central and paternal figure). It's a love story, it's a
wonderful Odyssey of a man getting to know himself, and most importantly, it's
a fantastic fish story. This is something that you need to see with your spouse
(there will be some emoting and possibly some sharing involved on the drive
home) or significant other to make it that much nicer. If you enjoy a good
story (and who on Earth doesn't), then you will enjoy this movie. You might
even cry. (3.5 stars: don't be afraid to
pass the big stories on; does this mean it's alright to completely lie to your
children?)
Black Hawk Down
(3 stars - makes you want to go out and buy a
Hum-V, so you'll be ready)
Black Mask:So you're craving a cheesy, ultra-fast kung-fu movie? This is the
fix for you. You can't get much more Japanese without slapping a
little watabe on your raw salmon. Here's
the rundown: a mad professor places an experimental chemical in the blood of
soldiers under his command. This chemical gives the soldier superhuman
strength, speed and agility - without the obstacle of pain to feel; on the bad
side of the long list of side effects (aside from gastral
cramping) is an abbreviated lifespan - typically a year after the
injection. Some of these soldiers survived the original battle they were
designed for and were driven to mad and evil ways. Jet Li (our hero)
assumes the quiet life of a librarian, hoping to forget about his past.
Ironically enough, his only friend in the world is a cop. I could go on
and on just stating the plot. Instead, I'll stop there and simply say that this
really felt like watching a comic book come to life. Sensational
special effects, kinda sketchy sound in places,
fast-action throughout (plausibility? what's
that?), and I really don't feel it's fair to comment on the acting (since it
was dubbed, and you lose/gain a lot of expression in the translation).
(2 stars for the writer saying, "to hell with the audience, I don't owe them any
explanation!")
Blair Witch Project: The basis of this movie is its plausibility. That is, the
central idea which is intended to make this scary as hell is the idea that it
is real. The funny thing is, when you see this flick, plausible or not,
it is still eerie as hell. 3 Film students trot off to
(2 and a half stars)
Blast from the Past:Go back in time
to the 60's...Red Scare,
(1 star for little Sissy Spacek
stooping to do this movie)
Bloody
Sunday
- The Irish civil rights movement was getting a great deal of attention in the
early 70's. Not because the movement was overly active throughout World
News, but moreso because the tyranny of British
fascist rule on this little island was believed to be nearing an end. A
harmless march was forming to bring attention (BBC, primarily) to specific
violations in Irish civil rights (incarceration without due process,
self-governing allowances, etc.). The march was formed on this Sunday
afternoon in '72, and what followed was the British-endorsed murder of unarmed
Irish citizens (old men, women, etc.) in the streets by trained British army
specialists [paratroopers]. The story is ultimately about of the root
cause yielding the formation of the IRA. While presented in the style of
a reality-TV meets documentary, it really dragged...seriously. I'm all
for Irish independence, and truly don't get why there to this day hasn't been a
huge Irish insurrection against British rule - but, whatever. Good story
that dragged for dramatic effect, but there are few of us out there that have
the patience or the Irish background to wait it out.
(1
star - not likely to be enjoyed by everyone)
Blue Crush -
Three young ladies have it all figured out in
(3 strong stars for the awesome action sequences)
Blue Streak:You've all seen the
previews, and said to yourself that you're going to wait until it's out on
video. Good decision. Martin Lawrence is a crook in this one.
A damned good one. The sad part of his latest
jewel heist is that he didn't research his crew very well. Dave Chapelle provides great support, as Martin goes to prison,
does his time, and comes out looking for the jewel that got away during his
bust. Unfortunately, he hid it in a newly-constructed LAPD dispatch building.
There's your premise, folks [yawn]. The rest of this movie is going to
have to be checked out by your own eyes, since there are some twists here that
seem a bit convenient and "keystoney."
It was enjoyable...if you have 94 minutes of your life to kill. Call me a
martyr folks, and consider my time spent as time that you don't HAVE to blow.
(2 stars for the nice, new LAPD building's
portrayal)
Boiler Room: Seth
Green (Giovanni Ribisi) is just out to make his
father proud. A recent college dropout, and presently running his own
backdoor casino [out of his home], decides to attempt to straighen up and fly right...sort of. One of the guys
that he hosts one evening happens to be a broker. He's got a phenomenal
ride, he's dressed head-to-toe in silk, a fresh manicure, as well as everything
a boy growing up in NYC could ever want, and he's not even 26. We all
graduate college, completely disillusioned with this thought that once we
graduate, we'll all have six-figure jobs after the first week of
graduation. Seth is in for quite a suprise,
however as he slowly uncovers the truth about the guts of his new
company. This is Wall Street on crack, or
an incomplete Grisham formula, geared towards the early-twenty something males
in the audience. If somehow, the conflict between Seth and Tom Everett
Scott had been emphasized more, it would have been a bit better, though not
much. In hindsight, Ben Affleck's character had to have been written into
this one, and had absolutely no net effect on the overall storyline, except to
draw an audience.
(2 stars)
Bread & Tulips: Rosalba Barletta [Licia Maglietta] is a modest Italian housewife. She's got a
husband, two handsome sons, and a mother-in-law that lives near their nice
home. She is given everything that she needs in life...almost. One
year, during the annual family vacation, she gets left behind at a gas station
(I'm not making this up) and gets the feeling that perhaps she is taken for
granted. She isn't living her life, she is living her husband's, and her
sons', and her mother-in-law's. She hitchhikes to
(3.5 stars for the fun ride)
Bridget Jones: The Edge of
Reason - So what...I saw it. When you're married, you have to make sacrifices,
and somebody owes me one for this. I know there's lots
of us "good husbands" out there, too, because on opening night, it
was sold out; so it felt like waking up to a snowday!
This movie picks up where the first one left off, but we now see a content, smiling Bridget - although still clumsy and
generally frumpy - she has a boyfriend and sex on a regular basis. This movie
makes a great point that no matter the woman, she is never content and always
wants more...even when she has the very thing that she's after. Bridget [Renee Zellweger] screws up this good thing and spends a great
deal of time trying to get it back...to include jailtime.
Anyway, it's pretty good, but what was most astonishing to me was the
presentation that English people evidently DO have feelings. Who knew that
behind all that propriety there is an actual person with emotions?! Perhaps
that explains the American draw to Bridget Jones, similar to the draw the Lady Di had some years back...there is a thirst for American
women to know the English woman behind the expressionless face. There's that
and the ability of the average American woman to relate to and cheer for a
pudgy underdog. Just a theory...pass the gravy. (2.5
stars - for the fight scene by the fountain indicating why "teatime"
has such national importance)
Bruce
Almighty
- Local media (here in the Bible Belt) slammed this
movie as though they were looking for some [Judeo-Christian] spiritual
enlightenment, or message from God. They were disappointed - I was very
pleased, since I set my expectations correctly going in. You have to
know, based on the cast (Jim Carrey, famed for telling jokes from his arse) and the running time (it ain't
a 4-hour sermon), that this is going to be a movie with a simple message,
nothing more. Bruce Nolan [Carrey] is a disappointed TV field reporter,
who after losing his job and his girlfriend has had it up to here with the
notion that God delivers good things to good people. He meets God [Morgan
Freeman] and is asked to assume God's duties while he goes on vacation.
Hilarity follows and lessons are learned - standard stuff. The only item
that may be deemed as religiously controversial is Freeman (or any actor) as
God, but if George Burns can do it to the delight of American audiences, what's
the problem with Freeman doing it - he offers a sensational performance as
Deus, folks. It was fun, it was light, and with Jennifer Aniston in the
cast it softens the overacting that has troubled Carrey's past flicks.
This is an extremely entertaining movie!
(3
stars for parting the Red Soup)
Butterfly Effect: This will most
likely be the only time you've seen Ashton Kutcher
not "Punking" some poor celeb,
or on a leash being held by Demi Moore. Butterfly
Effect is the movie you've seen all the ads where Evan Treborn
[Kutcher] has this phenomenal ability to go back in
time and alter the course of events if he concentrates, but of course he finds
out that there are consequences to changing even the slightest detail in time:
everything else changes as well. From his childhood, Evan experiences several
blackouts, and now the blackouts are beginning to make sense, or at least serve
a purpose. I was pleasantly suprised with this movie;
great pace, excellent acting (really), solid soundtrack, and a fairly tight
storyline. As a spectator, you really felt the character's angst and the
passion of attempting to perfect the things around you. You will not view
Ashton in the same way again, the next time you watch That 70's Show (or see
him tagging along with Bruce Willis' children on the cover of the National
Enquirer).
(3 stars for not
marketing this treasure as a sci-fi flick)
Calendar
Girls:
In keeping with this edition's theme of the naked elderly female form, we have
an English movie that redefines brashness. Here's a quick and ugly plot
synopsis: English 50-something women are in their local club where their weekly
guest speaker tends to speak of things like harvesting lettuce or spinning yarn
(things that every proper English woman should know) - incredibly boring topics
that no one should be subjected to. The opportunity arises where the women have
the chance to raise funds for a very sound cause. How are they going to do it,
and make the event something worth doing? They decide upon posing for a
calendar stark raving naked (nekkid, for my Southern
friends), and the calendar sells like hotcakes (evidently, hotcakes sell really
well). The strong negative to this movie, is that it doesn't quit while it's
ahead...there was great momentum, it peaked at a wonderful time, but it kept on
going. The meat of the story finished up in about 85 minutes, but in this one
the writers took the women to America to experience their newfound fame, and to
be honest, it was just excessive. Less is more - especially when it comes to
English films!
(2 and a half
stars for a very smart, well-put-together piece)
Catch Me if You Can:This movie is
based on the true story of a very skilled and evasive man, Frank Abagnale [Leonardo DiCaprio],
who ran for years and lived a successful life as a professional fraud, forging
checks, faking identities to get free flights, etc. Later in his life, in
working with the FBI, he helped set American policies and standards for
securing financial transactions. Frank's father, Frank, Sr. [Christopher
Walker] hadn't paid his Federal taxes in years, and set the precedent of the
scumbag conman, that his son would emulate. Jr. gets his start pretending
to be a substitute French teacher (his mother was French, so he was fluent) in
order to save face at the new school. Things go downhill rapidly from
that point, and before he knew it, he was the king of forged checks (=free
money!). The ride is great in this movie, and just when you think it's
OVER, it keeps on keepin on. There's a lot
to offer here. Solid performance by Tom Hanks, as Agent Carl Hanratty, who's career seems to be at stake in whether or
not he can catch Jr. and bring him in for prosecution. Like handling cash
that you just won at a casino, you'll feel a little bit sleazy in this one, but
the feeling is short-lived. I have to add this, folks: I'm not sure if my
theatre got a second-hand copy, but in the film that I saw, there is a boom
[microphone from above] in almost EVERY SCENE. I'm not exaggerating, and it was
incredibly distracting, so if you seen it, do your best to ignore it - because
it ain'tgoin' away!
(3 stars for Walken
convincingly playing the role of a scumbag)
(3.5 stars for a great story)
Children of the Corn V: The part V should have been enough to make you run. Show of hands of those who felt that the first one was MORE than
enough...Thank you, I feel the same way. The only thing worth
watching is the role of Ezekiel, played by the redheaded kid from Kindergarten
Cop ("Mr. Kimble are you okay?!")
with the mammoth ears. Even then, after you see him, turn it off, be king
enough to rewind, and return it to the video store immediately!
Incidentally, there were no "parts" shots (i.e., those of the frontal
sort that run hand-in-hand with the Teen Scene in every other movie of its
genre), not much in terms of improper gore, and NO obscene language. I am
lead to believe that this was initially shot with he
intention of being a made-for-television movie, that had no juice. The
same theme from all the Children of the Corn flicks presides: anyone
over the age of 18 is sacrificed unto the One Who Walks Behind
the Roses (=Satan in overalls). The director should have gone nonstop, no
holds barred, and showed everyone nude running around in the cornfields, with
scythes disemboweling each other, putting an end to each other and getting
closure on the whole Corn-Child thang!
P.S., from the ending there could be a Part VI (YIKES!)
(no stars)
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
- Remember the glory days of the 70's, where TV
seemed to be making a turn and attempting to entertain in a whole new way
(similar to what's happening with Reality TV of today). There is nothing
more 70's on the tube than the Gong Show, featuring fun-loving all natural host
Chuck Barris, where anyone with any interest in
getting in front of a large audience and making a complete ass of themselves
could be showcased. Kind of like the Grammy's. In times like these,
when one-hit wonders are the norm, and celebrity status is a temporary joy, the
question of "where is he now" has been asked and in the case of this
movie - answered. Chuck Barris did some
contract work for the government as a hitman and
International spy. Wait - what? Move over James Bond, but just for a
second. For starters, the movie is based on the unauthorized
autobiography of Chuck Barris, producer of
several huge tv game
shows (including the Newlywed Game, the Dating Game, and an array of others);
yet we are presented this material as factual information, which adds to the
pleasure of the film. Overall, it is a wonderfully fun movie with some
unique turns and twists that make it enjoyable for just about everyone.
Clooney does a great job with this, both as an actor and director here; and a
standing ovation for Julia Roberts as the fixin'
vixen - nice work.
(3 stars - don't believe everything you see, the
limelight is an addictive drug - just like Carmex!)
The Count of Monte Cristo I'm sure that you've all seen the previews, and possibly some of you
may have even read the book (while you weren't in boy scout
troop meetings or after taking the waterpick to
your braces). Edmond Dantes [James Caviezel] and FernandMondego
[Guy Pearce] are best friends. Jealousy can be a ravenous beast that has
the ability to devour a friendship. Based on the book of the same name,
the movie runs quite a bit cleaner than the classic text, since there is no
possible way that they could deliver onscreen what the book did in about 2
hours. No way. The movie is essentially about one man's journey
from betrayal to ultimate revenge. The path is detailed and painful to
witness at times. Since they based it on a book, they had the opportunity
to tighten up the script (which they t0ok full advantage of) and make it
appealing to as many as possible - success. There are NO plot holes, no
questions remain after viewing, and since this is set in the late 18th-Century
the dialogue is authentic but not overly rigid to lose meaning. The
characters are refreshing - not really notable enough to give away any
preconception from the audience (for instance, imagine having cast
Schwarzenegger as Dantes and Nicole Kidman as
Mercedes - it just doesn't work with really notable names because you already
know what to expect of them). This is an exceptional movie, but the ONLY
problem I have with it is the title; it strayed from the original text enough
to justify a variation of the source, like Life on Chateau D'If, Capturing Mercedes' Heart, or I'm Gonna Get You Sucka (nevermind, that's already been taken)!
(3.5 HUGE, THICK, GLEAMING stars: change the title
and I'll give you 4)
Cruel Intentions: Have you read Great Expectations yet? 9th
grade, right? Have you seen Dangerous Liaisons? Yeah. Same basic idea, minus the class distinctions in this one.
Everyone is wealthy and has entirely too much time on their hands. The
leading character, Sebastian (Ryan Phillip), is a cocky, self-absorbed little
twit, convinced that he can have any girl he comes across (and in this movie,
he can). The only thing that he truly wants is that which he cannot - his
half-sister Kathryn (Sarah Michelle Gellar). So a bet is made between
Sebastian and Kathryn that Sebastian can't pass up, since if he wins, he gets
to have his way with Kathryn. If Sebastian loses, and is NOT able to have
sex with the nation's most pristine, pure-as-the-driven-snow girl, Kathryn gets
his Jaguar Roadster. The twist is that Sebastian learns all about
love along the way to breaking her heart. This is an unnecessarily
haughty little movie, that makes the audience do
nothing but roll their eyes. The Thurston-Howell-3rd-esque dialect gets
tiring very quickly. This is probably what 90210 should be, NOT public
service announcements. If you're a guy, and you watch this, you'll
probably want to beat Sebastian's ass by the end of the movie.
(half a star, for the
Jaguar)
Daredevil - Here
we have the latest installment from Marvel, where our hero is a blind
attorney. Matt Murdock [Ben Affleck] was blinded as a child by
radioactive waste, and while he didn't regain his sense of sight, his four
other senses were seriously enhanced. So this guy is basically running
off of four enhanced senses. Spiderman had five (they were also enhanced
by the aid of radioactivity), but relative to what is expected of you as a
superhero, he was pretty lame. Haley Joel Osment
had six ("I see dead people"), and he wasn't even a hero. So it
would seem that the fewer, yet more powerful senses you have, the more likely
you are to become a superhero and have a comic book named after you - followed
shortly thereafter by a movie. This movie was interesting, but not
awesome. I was never into the comic scene, so it probably didn't mean as
much to me as it would to someone who actively studies the Daredevil
series. The action sequences were superb, but the intra-building jumping
was maybe a little too Crouching-Tiger. By far, Bullseye
[Colin Farrell] steals the show; and while I initially had a hard time seeing
Mr. Lopez cast as a superhero, it worked. Jon Favreau
played an excellent supporting role here, but he honestly is barely
recognizable (is he pregnant?).
(3 stars for Jennifer Garner in the rain)
The Day After Tomorrow - Jack Hall
[Dennis Quaid] is a world renown climatologist giving
special UN briefings letting as many people as possible know of the impeding
doom of the melting of the polar ice caps, resulting in a polar shift, which
will inevitably cause the next ice age (not the Pixar
production). He offers a great plan of attack to slow and hopefully prevent
this civilization-ending event, but if anyone in the audience actually
listened, we wouldn't have a movie now, would we?! Low and behold, the tides
change drastically in the
Dickie Roberts Former Child Star:Ever since Farley died, there has been a pronounced void in physical lead
comedy. David Spade attempts to fill a portion of that void here, without a
whole lot of support. The only thing that any former child star wants in life
is to remove "former" and "child" and reach the top again
as simply a star. To get there, Dickie has to
impress Rob Reiner in order to get the lead role
in a new movie still being cast. Impressing Reiner
proves more difficult than expected, and the only way to get in touch with the
character Dickie is reading for is to relive his
missed (and lost) childhood. And so it begins. A great premise that was
concocted after seeing a few too many E! True
Disney's Teachers Pet - This is a
great (and very brief) cartoon following the storyline of Pinocchio: the desire
to be a boy. In this case, Spot Helperman [
Dodgeball: A True Underdog
Story
- I had almost forgotten the rules of this game, until I saw this movie. I
mean, c'mon, there was Duck-Duck-Goose (the fast kids ruled this one), Red
Rover (the most popular kids get called "over" most often - good
networking experience), and of course kickball (in no other game did I see the
pitcher pegged in the face as often as I did in kickball...intentional? nah, it's called strategy!). Dodgeball
was the end-all, be-all analogous game to real life: everyone gang up on the
weak, slow, outcasts and fire away. Good times, good times. The trouble is, it never
lasted and you always ended up sweaty as hell for social studies. Anyway, the
fact that this stars Ben Stiller should either send you running into or away
from the box office: you either love his humor or roll your eyes. The fact that
he is flanked by Vince Vaughn will most likely draw you in. Quick plot
synopsis: competing gyms go head to head for pride, a hottie
(Christine Taylor), and $50K. With a somewhat slow beginning where you find
yourself trying to laugh at all the little peripheral elements of the
storyline, you will have no problem laughing and being drawn towards the
ending. If you haven't seen it already, stick around for the post-credit bonus
of Stiller in a fatman costume (a la Fat Bastard)
that is hysterical. This teeters on being a classic of its genre, but for the
time being is simply entertaining as hell.Vaughn was
perhaps a little flat, but don't confuse the character with the actor. Simply
put, it was a good time.(2.5 stars for the
nod to the king of all gyms: GOLD's...I'm a card-carrying
member, or am I just a member?)
Down To You: 90210 is no longer on the air, so we all have to suffer while the
film industry struggles to find a surrogate on the silver screen for the
cinematic brilliance of Aaron Spelling. From the incredibly strained
opening scene of this movie to the akwardquezy
ending, this is bad, bad, bad. Not bad in the sense that they were
filming someone in a mirror and you could count on seeing the entire crew and
cameras in every shot, or bad in the sense that a character was wearing a
different shirt in the previous shot, but bad in the sense that someone with a
lot of money made a VERY poor decision to print this one. Upon reading
the script, it should have
induced projectile vomiting alone, but to read it,
say, "hey this is great...I think that others will want to see this"
is totally short-sighted and simply inconsiderate! It is a damned shame,
too, for Julia Stiles and Freddy Prinze to limit
their talents by appearing in this. They both did a
great job (especially Ms. Stiles) acting, but it couldn't save this one
by any stretch. Hopefully, it won't pidgeon-hole
them into this whole teen-sheen genre of movies. This is a bad, bad
movie. My apologies, but I'm not even going to give a plot synopsis.
(NEGATIVE 2 stars for such a half-assed attempt at
being sappy)
(3
stars - Zellweger IS a great actor)
Elf: This had about
as much flavor as the styrofoam-shaving snowflakes
falling from the studio in this one. Total junk. If
you've seen the previews, then you've already seen everything good that this
movie has to offer - it's not even really entertaining enough to be enjoyed by
children. Will Ferrell is Buddy the Elf, roll the credits, and have a good
evening, folks. I'm a big Ferrell fan, but this really lacked the script and
any semblance of passion necessary for a
(0 stars for being the sacrificial lamb of the Holiday Season - too bad there
was no mint jelly!)
Enemy of the State: Will Smith, Gene Hackman, and Lisa Bonet star in this one. Will Smith is being hunted down by
the most powerful faction of the state, since he has evidence of a murder
directed by their leader. To make a long review short, if you are into high-tech
blowouts, this is the movie you have to see! Love the specs on Gene in this
one, who plays an underground Big-Brother mole. Lots of great chases,
powerful Glocks, satellites for days, everything
is a bug, and everyone has a camera - somewhere on their bodies. Not an ounce
of nudity, but good violence (not an oxymoron) throughout. You will definitely
DIG this movie, but beware after you leave the theater, keep two things in mind
1)Never look up when you are outdoors, since everyone is able to identify you
from the satellites above, and 2)the more liquid you are, the less they can
screw with any of your accounts. Strong antifascist undertones, sexual
political scandal, a politician/murderer as the badguy,
and a scene reminiscent of the Godfather (complete with authentic "guidos"). All I ask is if the scene is ever to be
redone, please keep the damned camera STILL!!!!! Excellent throughout!
(3 and a half stars)
Episode I: The Phantom Menace: What can I tell you in a little blurb that you haven't already heard
about somewhere else? For those in our audience that feel offended about
Jar-Jar Binks portrayal in a racially slanted
light - get a grip! Find something else to do with your time, like hang
out with the Reverend Al Sharpton, or
something. This movie was great, fantastic special effects, good
storyline. There were only two scenes for me that saved this one: the
fight scene with Darth Maul, and the Pod Racer scene. Jar-Jar Binks is a pain in the ass that is both hard to understand
and hard to tolerate. WARNING: you may get motion sickness watching the
pod racer scene. Anyway, beyond those 2 scenes, the rest of the movie is
just about gathering facts to put things in place so all of us little neurotic
citizens can have closure about this whole Star Wars thing. Frankly, it
was cool when I was 7, but unless you want to do something with your stronger
characters, like Darth Maul and Qui-Gon (Lim Neeson), Mr. Lucas, I am going to be disappointed.
There is no real sense of danger in this movie! Bring the kids.
(2 and a half stars)
The Eternal:
What would you do if you had a Celtic Druid in the basement of your
14th-century mansion, who was thawing; as she was
thawing, she was transposing into your form, and assuming your identity?
Further, if your grandmother was ALSO a Druid who was trying to protect you
from this witch? You would probably put your narcotics down on the
ground, appear in a court of law on a Monday morning in a suit and tie, plead
no contest, and do public service for the rest of your days to avoid the joys
of imprisonment. This one gets the BIZARRE award, and had it not been for
outstanding cinematography, would get as many negative stars as I could
muster. With the exception of Christopher Walken's
presence, it is full of a bunch of nobodies who provide so-so acting. I
am convinced that the director/writer are one in the
same, and that he was completely STONED out of his gourd during both the
writing and the directing process!! This winner went straight to video
and was NEVER even shown in theaters in The States (the country that touts
Sylvester Stallone). It is an attempt at Goth, crossed with
fantasy. Sucked!
(half a star, for
getting Walken to be in this piece of crap)
Eye of the Beholder: Ever get the feeling that you're being watched? How about
followed? Well then what about stalked? And what if this alleged
stalker (you can't prove anything, because I was
at Sonic) was a UK Detective, with diplomatic immunity? Well then, Sugar,
I say open the drapes and let him enjoy the show - there's NOTHING you can do
about it! This is a fun little ride of a movie. Throughout the
entire flick, you wait for things to piece together for you, out of convenience
(you lazy American!). Well, this never happens, Thank God, and is left
somewhat open to interpretation. Excellent acting (though Ewan McGregor acts circles around Ashley Judd) with
consistency, cool toys, plausible scenes, and nice camerawork (getting just
about every imagineable angle for each
shot). If you don't have a webcam setup yet,
this movie will truly inspire you to set one up. Does he get the
girl? Well, you are just going to have to find that out!
(3 and a half stars, for
the tricky editing in keeping Ashley Judd's body neatly concealed)
Eyes Wide Shut: The formula for any Kubrick flick
is appealing in and of itself, that's what makes them timeless: rather than
make a film that has an ever-developing climax growing in regular increments
ending in a sweet and timely explanation...drag it, man, slow it WAY down, and
then throw an explosive ending and quickly shut it down. In this movie,
the focus is on jealousy. Cruise plays a physician, who is told by his
wife that she almost had an affair. That is all it takes to develop a
burn in the pit of his stomach, and set him on a little sexual expedition for
himself. I mean, he's a doctor, he palpates
breasts, for God's sake! In his journey, he tears down the wall that
makes everything he does feel so damned clinical. The near-misses that he
has in his odyssey are awesome: HIV, Death, public humiliation, they're all
there. And then just like Kubrick, he
clobbers you over the head with the ending. Beware, though, this is more
of a timeless piece of "art" than simply Friday's
entertainment. You need to be a fan of movies in general, to really enjoy
this one. Kidman and Cruise as the couple in this one provided a
seamless, flawless performance. Damned good, just
really odd and awkward in spots.
(3 stars)
The Faculty: I
rented this movie initially as a kind of joke - expecting VERY little. I
was pleasantly surprised. No big names in this one,
save for Jonathan Stewart. After viewing, you kinda
get the impression that it was written with the target audience of High School
Juniors. Basically, what we are looking at is a slightly modified Invasion
of the Body Snatchers, minus the sci-fi overtones that must be present in
order to be convincing. This is a movie that is truly and purely
entertaining - no staggered ending, no freaky dream sequences, just fun.
The idea is that aliens are invading the High School of
(2 stars)
Fahrenheit 9/11: Before I even
begin to review this one, you have to take into account the source of the movie
being reviewed: Michael Moore. The same man that brought you Bowling for
Columbine and Pets or Meat, he will present something to his audience that -
love or hate his methods and perspective - will make you think. Also bear in
mind that it WON the Cannes Film Award this year, which tells you that the
French loved it. Okay, now let's talk subject matter - George W. Bush and his
war in
(3
stars - someone has some 'splainin to do)
Final Destination: How many times have you been sitting in a theatre, watching a horror
flick and wondering which of the spritely
characters that you were introduced to only moments ago is going to get hacked
up by some psychopath (carrying a blunt instrument of death, wearing a mask,
with some very deep psychological wounds created by an overly controlling
mother - Hi, Mom!). Here in this action-packed movie, your eyes will be
absolutely glued - whether you enjoy it or not,
it is extremely entertaining (and short, too). As a class trip in some
upscale New York Suburban high school,
(2 and a half stars)
Forces of Nature: Don't walk away just yet, kids. Although this is another
little cutesy Sandra-Bullock-smiling-a-lot movies,
this is a well-camouflaged chick flick. Guised because it IS very entertaining, and just keeps on going. There really
are no slow moments that are intended to make the audience ponder
anything...the only real "what would YOU do" scene happens at the
very end, and we learn his decision so quickly it really isn't worth your time
losing sleep over. Ben (Ben Affleck) is about to get married. All
he has to do is hop on a plane and get to
(3 stars)
Frida- You've never heard of FridaKahlo, and
if you say you have, then clearly you're a big fat
liar. Frida is a fantastic movie detailing the
whirlwind of a life lead by FridaKahlo [Salma Hayek], a sensational Mexican painter and active
Communist who really defined free thinking, even by today's terms. In her
prime in the 1940's, Frida only came into the
spotlight as an artist through her marriage to Diego Rivera Alfred Molina].
Some claim that Frida's work is far better than
that of Rivera's. The movie walks you through her traumatizing trolley
incident at a very early age, her career highs and lows, as well as her totally
unabashed bisexuality with some very famous folks on the
(4 stars for truly outstanding work - that and all
the nudity)